You’ve heard the saying: Perception is reality. So how can we collaborate through divorce negotiations to a fair resolution when you and your spouse start with such vastly different sets of perceptions?

As strange as it seems, the collaborative divorce process actually moves you through perceptions by promoting fairness in ways the court system simply cannot.

Some couples divorcing through the court’s adversarial system find that they never had a chance to speak for themselves. Sure, they may have been to court. There were hearings on temporary matters, status conferences, settlement conferences and the like. And yet, the usual course of proceeding excluded them. The attorneys did all the talking in front of the judge. The clients remained silent. If unrepresented, one or both parties may have had a chance to speak briefly, but often the court interrupt due to time limitations, a party wandering far afield from the matters at hand, or a combination of both. The man and the woman each leave the courthouse wondering if things might have worked out differently had they just been able to tell the judge their story.

In a collaborative divorce, the process gives you meaningful opportunities to tell your story. Individual sessions may be structured or led by an attorney or a divorce coach or a financial advisor, but the clients are expected to do most of the talking. You share your concerns, needs, insights and ideas. You tell their story, and your perceptions matter.

Some couples divorcing through the adversarial system find that even when they had some chance to speak for themselves, their concerns and ideas were disregarded. No one took them seriously, and no one listened.

In a collaborative divorce, the process gives you assurances that your spouse and the professionals in the process are listening to you, understand what you are saying and care about you. The professionals are trained to focus on you, really listen to what you are saying, see your point of view and fashion solutions that factor in your contributions to the outcome. Your perceptions matter and coexist, front and center, with those of your spouse.

Some spouses in the adversarial system complain that they were not treated fairly. The other spouse was given some tactical advantage: more time, more access to money or resources, more “second chances.” The decision-maker was biased against them. The proceedings forced them to capitulate; they were in a war of attrition, and they lost.

In a collaborative divorce, the process treats each person in a fair and evenhanded manner. The professionals are trained to balance time and resources, and to support you through separation and divorce. You remain in charge, and together, you are the decision-makers. The process works toward consensus and problem solving. We move from where each spouse is–the individual sets of perceptions–into a shared vision for parenting and mutually agreeable solutions for moving forward in separate directions.

Some spouses in the adversarial system spent tremendous amounts of time, energy and money to fight in court. They thought justice would flow from fighting for months about the past and about who was to blame. They were looking for relief, and they ended up being hurt.

In a collaborative divorce, you are accorded dignity and respect. The commitment from the very start is not about the past, fighting or blame. The professionals move the focus from the past to your family’s future, to what your family needs and which solutions provide the best “fit” for each member of your family. The facts and circumstances, including each person’s perceptions are assessed, discussed, listened to, and evaluated. The solutions flow from those perceptions and lead you to the solutions.

The collaborative divorce process is real. Imagine collaborating your way through perceptions, through divorce negotiations and into a fair resolution, and your reality will be a process that promotes fairness, communication and understanding, cooperation and collaboration, dignity and respect.

Jane Bryant Quinn writes (excerpt):
10. Put $$$ in your pocket by avoiding a battle with your spouse. In hard times, divorcing couples struggle for every dime. But the more you fight, the more of those dimes vanish in lawyer’s fees. If there are no children and few assets, you can usually do the divorce yourselves, even if you’re only speaking by email. Otherwise, try to reach a preliminary agreement before a lawyer comes into the picture. Consider a divorce mediation professional, or a collaborative divorce where couples and their lawyers agree in advance to bargain instead of going to court. . . .

You’ve heard the saying: Perception is reality. So how can we collaborate through divorce negotiations to a fair resolution when you and your spouse start with such vastly different sets of perceptions?

As strange as it seems, the collaborative divorce process actually moves you through perceptions by promoting fairness in ways the court system simply cannot.

Some couples divorcing through the court’s adversarial system find that they never had a chance to speak for themselves. Sure, they may have been to court. There were hearings on temporary matters, status conferences, settlement conferences and the like. And yet, the usual course of proceeding excluded them. The attorneys did all the talking in front of the judge. The clients remained silent. If unrepresented, one or both parties may have had a chance to speak briefly, but often the court interrupt due to time limitations, a party wandering far afield from the matters at hand, or a combination of both. The man and the woman each leave the courthouse wondering if things might have worked out differently had they just been able to tell the judge their story.

In a collaborative divorce, the process gives you meaningful opportunities to tell your story. Individual sessions may be structured or led by an attorney or a divorce coach or a financial advisor, but the clients are expected to do most of the talking. You share your concerns, needs, insights and ideas. You tell their story, and your perceptions matter.

Some couples divorcing through the adversarial system find that even when they had some chance to speak for themselves, their concerns and ideas were disregarded. No one took them seriously, and no one listened.

In a collaborative divorce, the process gives you assurances that your spouse and the professionals in the process are listening to you, understand what you are saying and care about you. The professionals are trained to focus on you, really listen to what you are saying, see your point of view and fashion solutions that factor in your contributions to the outcome. Your perceptions matter and coexist, front and center, with those of your spouse.

Some spouses in the adversarial system complain that they were not treated fairly. The other spouse was give some tactical advantage: more time, more access to money or resources, more “second chances.” The decision-maker was biased against them. The proceedings forced them to capitulate; they were in a war of attrition, and they lost.

In a collaborative divorce, the process treats each person in a fair and evenhanded manner. The professionals are trained to balance time and resources, and to support you through separation and divorce. You remain in charge, and together, you are the decision-makers. The process works toward consensus and problem solving. We move from where each spouse is–the individual sets of perceptions–into a shared vision for parenting and mutually agreeable solutions for moving forward in separate directions.

Some spouses in the adversarial system spent tremendous amounts of time, energy and money to fight in court. They thought justice would flow from fighting for months about the past and about who was to blame. They were looking for relief, and they ended up being hurt.

In a collaborative divorce, you are accorded dignity and respect. The commitment from the very start is not about the past, fighting or blame. The professionals move the focus from the past to your family’s future, to what your family needs and which solutions provide the best “fit” for each member of your family. The facts and circumstances, including each person’s perceptions are assessed, discussed, listened to, and evaluated. The solutions flow from those perceptions and lead you to the solutions.

The collaborative divorce process is real. Imagine collaborating your way through perceptions, through divorce negotiations and into a fair resolution, and your reality will be a process that promotes fairness, communication and understanding, cooperation and collaboration, dignity and respect.

Talibah Mbonisi writes (excerpt):
. . . In this cooperative framework, both parties also agree to:
- Act in their children’s best interests to minimize any negative impact that the situation could have on them.
- Be respectful to one another, stay constructive in their communication and to act in good faith.
- Disclose all relevant information to the other party and the Collaborative team, hide nothing that could be material to the negotiation and to refrain from using the other party’s mistakes against them.
- Maintain confidentiality

All this cooperation may sound a bit foreign, scary even, at a time when both parties may feel very vulnerable. Still, practitioners suggest that likelihood of resolution extremely high through this process and that it can be shorter, less expensive and lower conflict process the traditional path.

Vanessa McCray writes (excerpt):
But feelings and the family’s future are not to be overlooked. Divorce is a “devastating and emotionally intense time, even if you’ve chosen to use this model,” she said. Franseen acts as a divorce coach who instructs the couple on how to “manage their emotions” so that important decisions can be made. That’s a difficult task for a pair who wants to part.

“Communication skills are a big one, and that is tricky,” she said. “Probably, if a couple had really good communication skills in the first place, then they might not be getting divorced.”

Crafting a settlement together can prevent later disagreements over terms such as a child’s health care or parenting time, experts said. The collaborative method emphasizes that “the family isn’t a failure” and that the divorced couple can still co-parent “as a success,” said psychologist and child expert Ann Marie Love of Traverse City. Her role can be to advocate for the child, help resolve disputes and advise on how to transition from married to single life.

Aleksandra Todorova writes (excerpt):
The goal of collaborative divorce is to avoid that. “In a collaborative divorce, the decisions have to be made by the couple,” Stoner says. The two sides and their attorneys meet together and talk until they reach an agreement everyone deems fair. They agree to provide all information — such as financial records — voluntarily, rather than having their lawyers gather evidence. As a result, collaborative divorce can be significantly less expensive, Stoner says. Costs vary depending on the case, but while a typical litigated divorce could run as high as $150,000, collaborative would be closer to the $15,000 to $20,000 range, according to the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP).

Mark Schlueb writes (excerpt):
“You’re focusing on the children from the start,” she said. “And people who have been through it say they came out with communication skills they didn’t have before.”
****
“What makes judges so sad is we see people fighting desperately, but if they would refocus on what’s best for the family, they could find common ground. They’ll spend all their assets on the divorce, and all they know how to do at the end is fight,” she said. “I wish we could change the law so people had to consider collaborative law first, before they came to court to fight.”

Leslie Wimmer writes (excerpt):
In traditional cases “you have mom and dad either going to court or preparing to go to court and more or less preparing to say every bad thing the other parent did, every flaw in their character, every flaw in their personality,” Fuller said. “And they are organizing friends and family to come testify as to the other party’s shortcomings. At the end of the day, it’s a very destructive environment and it’s impossible for families after contested litigation to comfortably function at children’s birthday parties, high school graduations, holidays, sporting events, school events, all of those become uncomfortable for everyone, especially the children.”

In collaborative law, attorneys work with both clients in a room together to focus on the future and work to plan out finances or other complicated issues, Fuller said, adding financial advisers, property appraisers and other professionals often are brought in to help clients work out those issues.

“It’s completely different, instead of focusing on the past, you focus on the future: How are we going to function as a family with our children? How are we going to make financial arrangements work as best as they can?” Fuller said.